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Brandon commenting on liz's paper

Page history last edited by PBworks 15 years, 6 months ago

Wow Liz, I really like your topic. It's something that is imperative in today's society. Your analogies are on point, and conclusion is exceptional. Maybe to add more length you can give an example of an event that was a result of holding a grudge, or even talk about instances on how people have learned from history [World wars, etc. (That may be kinda hard to tie into your paper, but see how it goes)]. You could also research specific punishment examples from history for your fourth paragragh (Hammurabis code, 3rd world punishment today, etc.) Best of luck!

GRAND TOTAL: (77/100)

Rhetorical Knowledge(22/25)

The purpose of your paper I feel is clear. Simply put, without forgiveness, the world is left in chaos. You also included examples within your paper, which any audience can relate to. The last thing that makes your paper stand out is it's tone. Its got that apocolyptic feel, which kept me interested. I took 3 points off for format, because I feel you could of done more research and found more things to elaborate on to make your paper longer.

Critical Thinking, Writing, and Reading(20/25)

Going back to what I said above, researching to combine your ideas on forgiveness with someone elses would have fulfilled this requirement. Try finding examples from history to contrast your experiences with. Compare organizations, countries, etc. that practice forgiveness with those who don't. I know it feels hard to generalize a forgiveness essay, but it's required to make it longer. Some examples of general topics are in my initial comment.

Process(20/25)

You've done a great job so far giving critique to your peers, although you haven't used any of your classmates advice to edit your paper. Rework your first draft with your peer commentary for those loss 5 points!

Knowledge of Conventions(15/25)

Grammar throughout your paper was flawless, kudos on that. Structure is good but once again you have to make it longer. Work it out. Lastly, again, the tone will keep the reader reading, good job on that. <----- See how I made that last sentence sound like you did something else wrong? Tone is powerful. lol

-Brandon