Colin Ohara on General Sustainability

Be sure to watch your pronouns (I, We, etc), especially on such a general topic.  It makes the paper feel like it has less reliable rather than authoratative.  One thing that's a good technique is what's trying to be said here.  "Something that has stood the test of time, something that has guided human nature through its course, and something that will keep evolving and grow along with human nature."  To make this grammatically correct, put periods where every comma is, and for the last one, say, "Lastly, something that blah blah blah.  The paper has a lot of good content, the research has obviously been done but there needs to be order.  Try introducing all of the subtopics in the first paragraph, and referring back to that when starting a new paragraph.  This will not only add structure, but length to the paper.  Also, even in peer edit, not using pronouns is possible!

GRAND TOTAL: (85/100)

Rhetorical Knowledge(18/25)

Great job on all the facts throughout your paper, but it is lacking a thesis.  I found out the purpose of this paper when I got to the middle, which is that music has stood the test of time and is sustainable(-5).  Try gearing your introductory paragraph to the rest of your paper.  Use it to let your audience know what your paper is about, and if it's worth their time.  I thought your paper was about how new technologies have ruined and made the environment better.  Music isn't mentioned at all in the beginning, yet the majority of your paper is about it.  The tone to me is dull, very general(-2).  Put more of "you" into it.  This may seem like it contradicts with my initial comment, but it's possible to put "you" in your paper without using pronouns.      

Critical Thinking, Writing, and Reading(25/25)

This is where you dominated.  Awesome job on all the research done for this paper on music history.  The Karl Marx quote was perfect for your paper as well.  I always try to incorporate quotes that are appropriate for the papers I write to show that someone else is thinking what I'm thinking and that I'm just not crazy going off on different tangents, lol.  Make sure you don't generalize your paper too much in the future though.  This means don't fill a paper with research after research, throw more topics in that'll keep the reader interested. 

Process(19/25)

Proofreading is something that you didn't do.  After writing every paper, no matter how perfect it felt, be sure to go over and fix the "write" that was supposed to be "right" and the "their" that was supposed to be "they're(-2)."  You've done peer editing for others so you get your points there.  No revisions have been made since commentary was given(-4).  Definitley go back and fix the small mistakes (-2).

Knowledge of Conventions(21/25)

Structure was something that this paper lacked(-4).  Most teachers say do some type of prewriting activity, I don't.  Want to know what my pre writing activity is?  My introductory paragraph.  Introduce everything you are talking about here, and refer back to it when transitioning to other paragraphs.  This will keep your paper organized, and easy for the reader to follow.

-Brandon