First Draft: Sustainable Modeling Careers

 

Final Draft: Sustainable Modeling Careers

 

Writing Process Diagrahm.jpg

 

What is your thesis? How did this particular argument come about?  My thesis explains how to sustain a modeling career.  This particular 'how to', not argument, came about because it's ana interesting topic to me that I know a lot about.

 

Who's your audience and what techniques do you use to make your writing speak to their concerns and interests?  Any aspiring model as well as anyone wanting to be in the fashion industry can benefit the most from this paper.  It's also good for people who are curious about modeling.  Some techniques I use are questions through out my paper.  I really make the reader think by making them generate answers to questions which helps them keep focus more.

 

Upon reviewing your completed composition (and process), what aspect of your work (or it's process) most surprised you?  An aspect of my work that surprised me was how much I could right about modeling.  Before I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make it long enough, but once I started writing, I easily made the 2500 word requirement.

 

Did you learn anything new while growing your composition? Explain.  One thing I learned is simple.  Just do it!  Once you start writing, one idea leads to another.  Another thing is to make sure you manage your time well.  For me it can take more than 4 hours to right a 6 page paper.  Time flies when your having fun though!

 

When you use secondary sources, do those sources contribute to ethos, logos, or pathos appeals?  Yes some do my most of the material in my paper came from what I know already.

 

When considering peer feedback as you revised your rough draft, which advice/suggestion/question/criticism/edit was most useful/helpful? N/A (9/26)

 

On your final version, where would you like to see the most feedback and attention from graders?  I would like the most feedback on the content of the paper.

 

Peer Editing For....

 

Liz Wilson on  Forgiveness

 

Wow Liz, I really like your topic.  It's something that is imperative in today's society.  Your analogies are on point, and conclusion is exceptional.  Maybe to add more length you can give an example of an event that was a result of holding a grudge, or even talk about instances on how people have learned from history [World wars, etc. (That may be kinda hard to tie into your paper, but see how it goes)].  You could also research specific punishment examples from history for your fourth paragragh (Hammurabis code, 3rd world punishment today, etc.)  Best of luck!  

 

GRAND TOTAL:  (77/100)

 

Rhetorical Knowledge(22/25)

The purpose of your paper I feel is clear.  Simply put, without forgiveness, the world is left in chaos.  You also included examples within your paper, which any audience can relate to.  The last thing that makes your paper stand out is it's tone.  Its got that apocolyptic feel, which kept me interested.  I took 3 points off for format, because I feel you could of done more research and found more things to elaborate on to make your paper longer.  

 

Critical Thinking, Writing, and Reading(20/25)

Going back to what I said above, researching to combine your ideas on forgiveness with someone elses would have fulfilled this requirement.  Try finding examples from history to contrast your experiences with.  Compare organizations, countries, etc. that practice forgiveness with those who don't.  I know it feels hard to generalize a forgiveness essay, but it's required to make it longer.  Some examples of general topics are in my initial comment. 

 

Process(20/25)

You've done a great job so far giving critique to your peers, although you haven't used any of your classmates advice to edit your paper.  Rework your first draft with your peer commentary for those loss 5 points! 

 

 

Knowledge of Conventions(15/25)

Grammar throughout your paper was flawless, kudos on that.  Structure is good but once again you have to make it longer.  Work it out.  Lastly, again, the tone will keep the reader reading, good job on that. 

-Brandon

 

 

 

Colin Ohara on General Sustainability

 

 

Be sure to watch your pronouns (I, We, etc), especially on such a general topic.  It makes the paper feel like it has less reliable rather than authoratative.  One thing that's a good technique is what's trying to be said here.  "Something that has stood the test of time, something that has guided human nature through its course, and something that will keep evolving and grow along with human nature."  To make this grammatically correct, put periods where every comma is, and for the last one, say, "Lastly, something that blah blah blah.  The paper has a lot of good content, the research has obviously been done but there needs to be order.  Try introducing all of the subtopics in the first paragraph, and referring back to that when starting a new paragraph.  This will not only add structure, but length to the paper.  Also, even in peer edit, not using pronouns is possible!

 

GRAND TOTAL: (85/100)

 

Rhetorical Knowledge(18/25)

Great job on all the facts throughout your paper, but it is lacking a thesis.  I found out the purpose of this paper when I got to the middle, which is that music has stood the test of time and is sustainable(-5).  Try gearing your introductory paragraph to the rest of your paper.  Use it to let your audience know what your paper is about, and if it's worth their time.  I thought your paper was about how new technologies have ruined and made the environment better.  Music isn't mentioned at all in the beginning, yet the majority of your paper is about it.  The tone to me is dull, very general(-2).  Put more of "you" into it.  This may seem like it contradicts with my initial comment, but it's possible to put "you" in your paper without using pronouns.      

 

Critical Thinking, Writing, and Reading(25/25)

This is where you dominated.  Awesome job on all the research done for this paper on music history.  The Karl Marx quote was perfect for your paper as well.  I always try to incorporate quotes that are appropriate for the papers I write to show that someone else is thinking what I'm thinking and that I'm just not crazy going off on different tangents, lol.  Make sure you don't generalize your paper too much in the future though.  This means don't fill a paper with research after research, throw more topics in that'll keep the reader interested. 

 

 

Process(19/25)

Proofreading is something that you didn't do.  After writing every paper, no matter how perfect it felt, be sure to go over and fix the "write" that was supposed to be "right" and the "their" that was supposed to be "they're(-2)."  You've done peer editing for others so you get your points there.  No revisions have been made since commentary was given(-4).  Definitley go back and fix the small mistakes (-2).

 

Knowledge of Conventions(21/25)

Structure was something that this paper lacked(-4).  Most teachers say do some type of prewriting activity, I don't.  Want to know what my pre writing activity is?  My introductory paragraph.  Introduce everything you are talking about here, and refer back to it when transitioning to other paragraphs.  This will keep your paper organized, and easy for the reader to follow.

-Brandon

 

 

Marissa on Composition 1

 

I'm putting my feedback here because I'm pretty badass, simple as that.  This paper's hot.  I have to say its hard to be funny on paper, but you definitely nailed it.  Way to keep the reader interested!  Really I'm kinda upset I can't find anything wrong... :(  I love bashing papers but I just can't spot anything.  The thesis is there, there's structure, definitely content, your personality, a dynamic closing yet heartfelt... Must say I'm pretty jealous.

 

GRAND TOTAL: (100/100)

Rhetorical Knowledge(25/25)

Wow, what a good paper.  Really your major must be journalism because you really can transform a topic into something worth reading.  Tone, purpose, responding to different audiences, everything, flawless.

 

Critical Thinking, Writing, and Reading(25/25)

This paper incorporated so much of what we've learned in this class.  All the readings, the multi-media was placed in this paper effortlessly.  You've explained sustainability in the books we've studied and contrasted that to sustainability in your life.  Awesome job integrating ideas! 

 

Process (25/25)

You've participated in peer edits, no revisions have been made on your paper, but I honestly don't see how you can make it better. 

 

 

 

Knowledge of Conventions(25/25)

The structure of your paper is great.  I knew what the paper was about early in the paper!  You kept it interesting and added a lot of "you", which I really liked.  Awesome job!

 

-Brandon

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peer Editing Comments: